- December 20, 2024
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Some lucky schmuck over in Zephyrhills, who hasn’t yet revealed himself but I already really dislike, won $509.5 million from the Powerball last week, the highest payout in any lottery’s history. To put that number in perspective, the entire city of Zephyrhills, with its 13,337-person population, has a full operating budget of only about $49 million.
The jackpot is 12 times that. The post-tax lump sum is more than $370 million.
It’s a dollar amount that’s flat out impossible to put into context for a lot of people, which is why, I assume, so many have asked me lately what I’d do with that kind of cash if it were me who’d picked the winning numbers. But I’m not sure why they take me for an authority on the matter. Well, unless they’ve gotten a sneak peak at my savings account, of course — that’s right, you’re in the presence of a bonafide hundredaire.
For some people, though, I know the answer to that question would be easy. They would donate to charity, or build a hospital wing, or cure cancer, or pay off all of their friends’ student loans.
Talk to Brian McMillan, my managing editor, and he wouldn’t hesitate: “509 million McDoubles. Easy.”
But I wouldn’t do any of that.
First of all, obviously, I wouldn’t share a cent of it, so let’s just get that storybook nonsense off the table right now. I earned this money and it’s mine, and you can’t have it. So, really, stop asking. You’re just embarrassing yourself.
Next — and I mean immediately after I win — I’d go right back to the store and buy the rest of their Powerball tickets. Way I figure it, my luck is crazy right now, and you don’t just quit on a hot streak. Double down, I say. Let it ride. It’s the lottery equivalent of asking the three-wish genie for a hundred more wishes.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is called a loop hole. Still wondering how a guy with my kind of street smarts won in the first place? Didn’t think so.
Second, I’d rewatch “Richie Rich,” the ’90s film standard starring Macaulay Culkin, and I’d copycat every single thing in it. Maybe it’s been awhile seen you’ve experienced this timeless cinematic achievement and, I admit, it’s been a few years for me too. But the images stick with you. And this kid had class.
At the age of 10, he conducted business dealings. He wore an ascot. He had a go-kart track in his backyard.
His backyard!
Really sit on that. Let it sink in. Now tell me: Still think you’d waste a dime of that well-deserved payout on some precious “charity”?
BY MIKE CAVALIERE | ASSOCIATE EDITOR
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