- November 29, 2024
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After an evening with the Ormond Beach Police, I am now fully confident in my capability to beat someone up (as long as they’re not actually trying to attack me).
I don’t know if you guys are aware of this yet, but I’m terrible at most aspects of driving. Especially when it comes to parking.
I recognize that I have a problem of pulling in diagonally and getting way too close to the cars on my left. So in order to protect you sweet Ormond Beachers from my wrath, I tend to park in areas of near complete isolation. Good for the rest of the community, bad for my fear of being kidnapped while leaving Publix.
As it turns out, I’m not the only one who shares this fear. When I arrived to the Ormond Beach Police Department’s Self Defense for Ladies and Assault Prevention (aka SLAP), the class was completely full. I’m sure everyone else’s reason for attending was a little more relatable than “I don’t know how to properly operate a vehicle so I have to park where no man has gone before,” so I kept my mouth shut and hid behind my role as a reporter.
Us ladies lined up to watch assault and prevention techniques that Officer Jay Brennan and Officer John Dovine demonstrated for us. However, after watching Jay flip John over his shoulder twice, I was pretty convinced he was just using this class as an excuse to beat him up. With the help of a large red boxing pad thingy (forgive me if that’s not the technical term), John made it through deadly moves like the “high-five” and the “nay nay” like a champ.
“Basically, I’m the prettiest girl at the bar,” Jay explained to us, “and John has no chance with me. But he’s gonna try, and here’s what you do.”
Jay used silly terms like the “high-five,” “hair-tie” and “the whip” not only to entertain us (sadly, he did not whip or nay nay), but to help us remember the moves we learned. By associating the techniques with things we do or hear of every day, we’re more likely to remember them.
After the demonstration, we lined up to take a stab (maybe not the best term) at one of the three cops. Everyone watched in awe as Jeanette Torres, who took the class before, whipped and nay nay-ed so hard that Jay got pushed off the mat. John really enjoyed it.
“So I take it you remember the moves from last time,” Jay asked her after he dusted himself off. She nodded and smiled.
“Yeah I felt that you remembered,” he said while the rest of us giggled.
By the end of the class, we were all feeling pretty good about ourselves and it was time to put that confidence to the test in a worst-case scenario: having to fight off two attackers.
John and Officer Tom Larsen put on their protective gear and went two to one starting with Jeanette. For a full minute, she kicked, punch and pushed her way through two men who wear nearly double her small size. Again, the rest of the class was in awe. When she was finished, I asked if she would be interested in being my bodyguard for, you know, like ever.
She laughed, patted me on the back and said thank you. Um, Jeanette I wasn’t kidding.
Finally, it was my turn. I went after some pretty tough ladies, so I was really hoping the officers were exhausted by now. Not a chance.
For what felt like an eternity, I used all the energy I had built up from not really moving all day to fight out of the cops’ way. I used the “high-five” to the face move and surprised them with the “T-rex” kick when they weren’t looking. And if all else failed, I just gave them a good ole fashioned smack in the head.
Time was up and there was a round of applause. Or maybe there wasn’t. I was pretty delirious by that point.
Jeanette walked over to me and said “You did a good job.”
Though after the class, I was feeling pretty confident in my beating-up abilities, I’m back to reality now. Jeanette, I still need you to be my bodyguard. Please protect me.
